“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.