If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche