The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Oh hi lol
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE