I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Knock Knock
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase