If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car