And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.