“TGIM!” – My liver
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I’m not stressed
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.