[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?