What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food