scared to check what name she chose
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Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
LMAO
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”