FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
went fishing caught a bass
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it