“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You Might Also Like
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me too
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?