Every time.
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here