At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.