I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
(True)
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
english majors be like furthermore
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
True statement👍😏😁