It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.