I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
This is true.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.