[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You Might Also Like
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.