[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
You Might Also Like
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”