I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Left at a local drug store…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck