I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.