[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
let’s discuss
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.