WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Before & after 😅
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Who knew!
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My typo game is string.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Rambo Rambow
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!