This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Meanwhile in Portland…
You learn something every day
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime