I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat