Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta