every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.