damn he’s good
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse