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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW