The pasta is now
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.