Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table