The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m calling the cops.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.