Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.