It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
A game married people play.