“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes