Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?