What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear