@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*