“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.