I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
why would tinder want me to say this
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.