I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.