My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.