Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Why don鈥檛 the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn鈥檛 private.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother鈥檚 Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT鈥橲 NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Love this one 馃槀馃
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I鈥檓 getting a little worried about my cake.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I鈥檇 be in terrific shape.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you鈥檙e breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If my dude is messaging you.. he鈥檚 your dude..
Keep. Him. 馃槀