Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
saw this in a dream
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.