Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
January has been Januweary
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Yup
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.