We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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me before I type out affect or effect
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids