Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.