GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
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I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons