Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]