I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
who wore it better?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa